Confessions Of a so Stated Pretty Girl

The so called pretty girl image is nothing but an exterior

Dear Void:

I watched a talk on Ted the other night, it was by a model, I don’t remember her name now but but much of her talk was saying do not envy me there is no reason I am a normal person and believe it or not I am insecure. It was quite interesting to watch and listen to.

I am usually what people call a pretty girl. Men call me hot, if I am lucky beautiful. The elderly say I am sweet and charming.

Women often comment and say they envy my looks and have a nice body.

Well I have a confession or two, or six.

I do not consider my self to be pretty, no matter how dolled up I am.

I wish to be skinnier. I like the other 98 percent of women in the world am uncomfortable with my body.

I can talk, walk and act with confidence but inside I am just looking for reassurance.

I tell everyone that you deserve nothing more than the best in everything in your life and you should never strive for anything less, yet I can not follow my own advice I just act like it.

I have a brave face but on the inside I am terrified and hurting.

I don’t know how to flirt and I have no confidence when it comes to men.

I do not understand what people see in my looks, or what people see in me in general. It is a mystery to me.

People say you are a great person, all I can say is ‘Why? all I am is me’

I am a women trying to make it a mans industry, doing a mans job, trying to prove that I can do it just as well without giving away the fact the government labels me ‘disabled’ even though I work over 80 hours a week. I am terrified I am failing.

I fight a daily battle of pain, sleepless nights and depression but on the outside I am happy go-lucky.

I have demons that haunt me just like everyone else, but they are going to have a hard fight if they want to take me down.

What is on the outside does not reflect what is on the inside. This is the way it is for most people I know that I am not alone but people believe that looks must give a person everything, happiness, money, love. This might be true for some (fairy tale princess perhaps?) but for many it does not.

Void, why do people only look at the cover of a book before they actually get to know the lines within its pages? Even then the lines only come across at face value, what you see is what you get. There is so much more to the book, to life than that.

On the outside I am pretty, I am a construction worker, even confident, on the inside I am terrified, insecure and an artist.

Believe it or not this is who I am.

Is Tomgirl a Contradiction?

Welcome to My Paradise.

Dress me up, and honestly you can’t take me anywhere. I’m dirty before I walk out the door.

I can dress up and look nice, I try to stay clean. Really though what is a little dirt and muck? maybe some oil and anti freeze on a bright pink dress?

I am a small town girl who has taken the pleasure of puddle jumping (or sliding) in the freezing rain in prim-proper jeans and a nice shirt. What?! mud washes out. Who when in need of a rag has wiped the oil dipstick on pants to check the level in my jeep!

Once upon a time I worked a job where the dress was semi formal, dress pants a nice shirt your hair and face were done. That was nice. It felt good to be a girl.

The way I looked in the morning when I left the house, did not last long though. I was walking around on my knees (gymnasium floors are not known for their cleanliness) covering myself in dirt. My hair never stayed in the way I wanted it too. So by the end of the day, I looked like a homeless person who had taken from the donation bin!

Hair everywhere, eye liner running, dirt all over my pants, a hand print here and there! I gave it my best shot.

My mom tried to raise a proper little girl.

“Bri change your clothes after school, don’t get these clothes dirty”

Are you kidding me! how am I suppose to keep them clean at recess? (jumping off a swing set+ pea gravel+ rough housing with the boys + grass stains) what she was asking was impossible!!

She eventually gave up, realizing I would never stay clean no matter what conditions she set down on my attire.

As I got older it only got worse, playing mechanic or trying at least, jumping in the river (or being pushed in the river) fully clothed, fires, camping she knew their was no winning.

Then I found my ultimate job, not really my dream job but one that suits me perfectly and to a tee, a heavy equipment operator.

I was a female that stood out like a sore thumb. Baggy pants, grease up to my elbows dirt tan lines (arms, face pretty much every where!) I wasn’t there to make an impression, just to work so I wore no makeup and didnt do my hair. Where as all the others did. I got to bullshit with the guys and I said it like it was.

Talking about a dust seal on my truck:

Bri, I heard you broke a rubber today 

Yea, yea I did

Wow your rough on them rubbers eh? how did you break it?

I don’t know I guess home made isnt as good as it use to be. My guess is it must have been all the up and down motion.(as my hand mimicks the dumping motion of a rock truck)  She was to top heavy I guess.

*Pause for the gasps and oh my gods from the men that a women just said that!*  Then they laugh

Was that not appropriate? oops

 

Adult vs Childhood

When we’re young we want to be just like our parents. We want to do everything they do, mimick absolutley everything

When we’re teenagers and adolescents we don’t want to be anything like them. We think that they should be taking our advice because we know better. We’re green you know, and we’re learning lessons that they have no idea about!

When were adults we realize no matter how hard we try we are just like them in so many ways and no matter what we do we can’t stop it!  It’s like the plauge.  We pick up half of their bad habits and their quirks and then add our own and start the vicious circle all over again with our children.

When we’re young we have the imagination to keep us entertained for hours on end, playing in a world all our own.

As a teenager we can’t wait to grown up, we look back on our youth and think how stupid we looked.

As an adult we would give anything to be a kid again and have that imagination, to have all that free time, to live in that endless word.

Kids are extremely impressionable but adults are more so. Children are just themselves, they don’t feel the need to have to fit, they don’t feel the need to change who they are to be accepted until their teen years. Where as adults must act a certain way, behave a certain way to be socially accepted.

Children see the world as it really is

Teens begin to lose it and see it as they want to see it

Adults see it as they have been told to see it.