Alone – Friend’s Without Benefits

You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends

Void;

Starting as far back as I can remember my family has always been out casting me because I have always been different from them.  As a child I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and many other conditions, my family could not handle the fact that, as they put it, I was “not normal”. I can remember as a pre-teen my uncle sitting me on his lap and telling me,

“it’s okay that your not normal, it is okay that you will never be like anyone else or that you will never be able to do the things that a normal person can”

That was only the beginning of my out casting. That was also the fuel to my personal fire.

Shortly after that sit on my uncles lap he refused to have any contact with me, and Void, let me tell you, growing up with out a father this man was the one that I looked up to many times as a father figure. When he up and left it was like loosing my father all over again.

When I was old enough to realize what my family was doing that is when I truly turned to friendship, before that my life was family based, I wanted to be with family every moment that I could, I wanted to be best friends with my cousins. I wanted to be loved by my family members as much as I loved them. I loved them more than life itself growing up. When the day comes that I have kids of my own I still wish to create a family orientated atmosphere.

At the age of about 15 is when I started pushing back on my family. I gave them the same treatment they gave me, if your not going to call, then neither shall ,I type of thing and this is when I chose friends over family other than my mother who was my best friend and companion growing up, and my brother.

In my teen years I made a group of close friends who to this day  I would take a bullet for them, if I had the power of God and the universe on my side I would take all suffering and pain away from them and put it upon my self. Many of them don’t seem to realize this though.  I made these people my family, and I love them with all my heart. Void, all I want for them is their happiness.

I am in the middle of a hard lesson right now Void, I am not even fully sure how to phrase it really, but essentially it is to never expect anything in return.  You would think that I would have learned that with my physical family but apparently I didn’t.

I didn’t expect life to go on without changes, I knew it would, what I truly didn’t expect is that when a friend is in trouble and needs help that your best friends/family would turn their back on you.

My birthday came and went this past weekend. I have never been fond of my birthday as it seems that with every year that passes it gets drilled into my head a little bit more about how much I have been abandoned , so it feels, by my families.

Other than those invited for dinner and one person I reminded about my birthday I did not receive a single ‘happy birthday’ from my friends or my family. My grandparents called two days after my birthday only due to reminder phone call from my mother.  I even made phone calls to ask friends to join me in a casual evening get together to celebrate only to be ignored (the joy of facebook, I find it to be an awful evil).

I have to ask Void, what did I do? What have I done so wrong to these people that they can’t even acknowledge me? It hurts, it makes me angry! but most of all in a sense I feel betrayed. I understand that life gets in the way and people do forget, I understand that, I would have understood a few happy belated birthday’s but none came and we are talking almost a week later now.

I just found out that I am a brittle bipolar, does this have something to do with it? Did I have some episode that I don’t remember and piss everyone off? If I did I wish someone would tell me because I have no idea why no one even on a normal day, no one will notice me. Is it because in my brain is going crazy? I have no control, I’m sorry! My mind is taking over my body without my knowledge, I have no control over my life right now.

Do my friends, do my family just want nothing to do with a crazy person? That is the way it feels. I feel crazy in my own mind and, I admit it, right now I need help more than ever but there is no one there even when I tell them.

I am not completely alone, I should be paying attention to this, but when you turn to one person and they turn their back on you, you feel as if the whole world is leaving you in the dark.

I wish I could understand..

I wish someone would explain it to me..

I wish this was something you could get use to, I guess it is not.

Void, I am sorry, since no one else will listen.

Until I can explain more.

B

xoxo

The Bottle

Void,

I’m lost. I don’t know what to say or what to do.

I have been trying to write to you for ages now but the problem you see is that every time I sit down to the computer to write my fingers go blank. Yes, my fingers. My mind can be racing a million miles a minute about what is going on in life right now but my fingers refuse to write.

My mind is telling to me to write, to make it good, to be truthful, to tell my story, but as soon as I put my fingers to a keyboard I cant even press a key. It is like when you want to say something and you open your mouth and nothing comes out!

I am shoving my feelings, my thoughts into a bottle and sealing it shut.

I use to be able to write without a problem, words would flow beautifully from my mind to my fingertips, It was much like music, the harmony was beautiful.

Void, if I do it without thinking maybe, just maybe something will come out, it might be brutal, it might be stunning or it just might be bland. I guess I will have to try it and find out.

I hope that I can do and release some of the pent up emotion within this bottle in my chest as it feels as if it will crack soon.

Till my next entry.

B

xxo

Inspired #3

 

Albert my man, you and I are much alike. Okay I may not be a genius but I am curious,  very curious and about EVERYTHING.

I have always said that when I die they will call me a Jill of all trades, but never a master of none as I mastered them all.

My curiosity and my undying will to learn is never ending.

Cheers to you mate!

 

Inspired #2

Every day I fight a battle, one that many commend me on. Many say I do not know how you do what you do, many can not it is impossible.

When you think about it life is impossible and full of cant’s  as you never know which moment will be your last, you never know which time you will out wit destiny and live to see another day just because you turned right instead of left.

Pablo, my career may be deemed “not possible” for a woman or even some one with Fibromyalgia, but I am doing it, just so that I can achieve another. I would Like to thank you for your way of thinking as many in the world today, not just women but men and children are doing the things in which they can’t do.

Life and Lyrics

Void;

Have you ever noticed that music becomes apart of your life so much so that every song you listen to has a memory attached to it? I know I do. It doesn’t matter if it is good or bad there is always at least one memory per song, and when I listen I go into a daze of this memory and it takes me back to a certain time in my life.

Well this town is much the same. It is the town I grew up in. Every corner I turn there is a shadow reminding me of a forgotten past, every street a reminiscent memory, with each step I am reminded of a time that I wish I could hold in my grasp once again. A time so sweet and fragrant with laughter and joy.

Just like everyone else, when I was young I wished to grow up but now that I have aged I would give anything to go just even for a few hours.  To have that joy beating through my veins, to feel the excitement in my chest that I could do anything. To feel the wonder of the possibility that my dream was only a stone throw away.

Now it is the worries, the dread of true adulthood. Everyone around me moving on, the group of friends that once existed is no longer, we linger at events but everyone is creating families and doing what they are suppose to do you see, all but I. I will be the last.

Sometimes I wonder if the comrades I had such a close kinship with for so many years ever think of me, the way I think of them?

I wonder if I fell off the face of the earth if they would even notice. My guess is probably not as I ave already found out that I can leave for work for 6 months and they do not even know until I am back. With that said, it is a two sided street.

Void, I wish to find that happiness again. I hope that one day I will.

For now I am “growing up” and “moving on” but boy does change suck!

B

I Lied..

I am afraid to let go in fear of losing every memory of you that I have.

Void;

What the hell is wrong with me!? I don’t understand!

I don’t know why his death is still bothering me. I said before that I was ready and and that I was okay, I wasn’t necessarily okay with the fact that Scoobs had died, being my best friend and all, but I was ready to enter into the world again to start taking it on full force again.

Yeah, right, where did that idea come from?

Just because I can edit a few pictures without bursting into tears, without even thinking really, because when I edit them I shut every thought of him out of my mind so I don’t have to deal with the fact that he is dead, I think I am okay?

Just because I can go through a mindless, day to day robot routine that I have tailored so I do not have to think at all, I think I am okay?

Get up, take meds, let dogs out, make coffee, get mad at dogs for barking, let dogs in, go on the computer, make more coffee, drink coffee till it makes me sick, turn on Dishwasher, feed and water dogs, make dinner watch movie go to bed and start all over with a shower every second day.

Every Monday is house cleaning.

Every second Wednesday is total disinfectant day, bleach the floors the bathroom etc.

The 15Th of the month, I cry and I cry some more until I can’t cry any more  It doesn’t matter if I am not paying attention to the calendar days of the month or not, I wake up on that day and I feel strange and I can not help it. It makes me cry, and then I realise, so I write him a message to let him know I am thinking about him.

I am not even remotely  paying attention to the ridiculous amount of anti-depressants that the doctor has put me on just to try and keep my mood stable after I went into his office one day and I confessed to him, I was not safe to myself.

Having Fibromyalgia I also deal with depression from it, it is a constant battle, winters are always the time when it increases but this year due to Scooby’s death and everything that I have felt towards it, it has been so much worse. It got to the point that I didn’t even think that I could fight it any more,  I have already been fighting that battle for well over ten years.

So here is that question again Void, how in the world did I think I was okay?

This question came to me last night and again today.

I met with a friend who I have not seen in a while and he asked me;

‘What is it that is keeping you so attached? Why can’t you let go? Tell me about it.’

I know he did not mean any harm by it as he is a gentle soul and only wants the best for those he cares about, but as soon as the first words came out of my mouth about our relationship and his death, I burst into tears and an uncontrollable sob. The pain came back, the anger flashed through my heart again.

I stood in the middle of the fas-gas parking lot, more or less balling, surrounded by strangers, I couldn’t stop, yet I thought I was okay.

All I have to do is say one word and I am in tears. I don’t understand how this healing process thing works. If your feeling better, acting better shouldn’t you be better?

Why must it come in waves? I am tried of hurting, I am tired of missing him, I am tired of all of it I just want it to all go away, but I don’t want to forget him and that is one of the biggest reasons I can’t let go.

I am terrified once the hurt is gone I wont remember him any more  That I wont remember that shit eating grin, the way he would howl when by some unforeseen grace of god I showed the girlie side of me, his smart ass remarks, the look of wonder in his eyes the day we went to the mountains for his first time. I am terrified of loosing those things.

I have been told that everyone grieves differently and some take longer than others. I can understand that.

The day I found out about Scooby’s death I was in the middle of a different province for work, I was piloting (driving a truck with a flashy sign in front of a Big Rig with a Heavy/Wide load) and we were headed back to Alberta to drop off the buggy then home, which at the time for me was a musky hotel room. I cried for seven hours straight. I went blank for most of the drive so that I could focus on getting back to Alberta.

That night when I got to the hotel, I broke down again, I could not stand and I just rocked my self with my face against my knees, as the emotion flooded through me.  I was asked ‘why are you crying so much? why does it hurt so much? it is not like you lost a family member’

I asked them if they ever imagined losing one of their friends, they said yes but did not think it would be that bad, I then responded “neither did I, but it does. Other than a parent this hurts more than loosing a family member”

A friend, you choose to share your life with, your greatest and darkest secrets. Even if you don’t talk to them for a while when you get back together you pick back up right where you left off. That doesn’t happen with family.

Thank you for listening Void,  even if you have nothing to say.

B

The World is Still Turning… I’m Ready

Void;

I haven’t said I am okay yet because honestly I don’t believe I am and I am not sure if I ever will be. He was the greatest friend I could have ever asked for.  He made me smile and laugh even on my darkest days.  He was one person I could be myself with. We were like two peas in a pod, the north and south pole of a magnet. We were inseparable.

We would drive the back roads of our home town, listening to music, smoking till our hearts were content.  We were determined to show each other things in life that we had never seen or experienced before.  I showed him the mountains, he taught me the many devils of alcohol which created many good memories.

Every day depending on who woke up first, we woke up to a message on our cell phone telling the other good morning and to get out of bed.

He stood by me when everyone else left because they couldn’t handle reality. He was always there. I always knew I could depend on him. Even at the end while we were arguing I knew he was there even though we were not talking, all it would take was a phone call.

I loved him with all my heart and soul, so dear void, No, it is not okay that he is gone but it is a reality that I must accept. I am on the other hand at a point, almost 6 months later where I feel I am ready or at least almost ready to face the world again, even if I am by myself.

I can look at the pictures of him without crying, even though it still breaks that piece of my heart that he held onto.

That piece will forever be his and no one will ever replace him, I don’t want anyone to ever take his place.

I can still see his smile, hear his laugh and see him walking toward me.

I will hold onto that forever.

Though now I am ready to face the ever turning world that I am still in.

xx

Confessions Of a so Stated Pretty Girl

The so called pretty girl image is nothing but an exterior

Dear Void:

I watched a talk on Ted the other night, it was by a model, I don’t remember her name now but but much of her talk was saying do not envy me there is no reason I am a normal person and believe it or not I am insecure. It was quite interesting to watch and listen to.

I am usually what people call a pretty girl. Men call me hot, if I am lucky beautiful. The elderly say I am sweet and charming.

Women often comment and say they envy my looks and have a nice body.

Well I have a confession or two, or six.

I do not consider my self to be pretty, no matter how dolled up I am.

I wish to be skinnier. I like the other 98 percent of women in the world am uncomfortable with my body.

I can talk, walk and act with confidence but inside I am just looking for reassurance.

I tell everyone that you deserve nothing more than the best in everything in your life and you should never strive for anything less, yet I can not follow my own advice I just act like it.

I have a brave face but on the inside I am terrified and hurting.

I don’t know how to flirt and I have no confidence when it comes to men.

I do not understand what people see in my looks, or what people see in me in general. It is a mystery to me.

People say you are a great person, all I can say is ‘Why? all I am is me’

I am a women trying to make it a mans industry, doing a mans job, trying to prove that I can do it just as well without giving away the fact the government labels me ‘disabled’ even though I work over 80 hours a week. I am terrified I am failing.

I fight a daily battle of pain, sleepless nights and depression but on the outside I am happy go-lucky.

I have demons that haunt me just like everyone else, but they are going to have a hard fight if they want to take me down.

What is on the outside does not reflect what is on the inside. This is the way it is for most people I know that I am not alone but people believe that looks must give a person everything, happiness, money, love. This might be true for some (fairy tale princess perhaps?) but for many it does not.

Void, why do people only look at the cover of a book before they actually get to know the lines within its pages? Even then the lines only come across at face value, what you see is what you get. There is so much more to the book, to life than that.

On the outside I am pretty, I am a construction worker, even confident, on the inside I am terrified, insecure and an artist.

Believe it or not this is who I am.

Inspired.

Oscar Wilde once said

You can never be over dressed or over educated 

I believe him.

This is the way I was taught and the way I grew up.

The better you dress, the more you stand out and the better impression you make.

The more knowledge you have life or other wise shows a mind that never stops learning.

Thank-you Mr. Wilde.

When Will It Be Okay?

See you in heaven… (Photo credit: 8+1)

 

Dear Void:

I drove past that spot today. I traveled down that road. I couldn’t help but slow down when I went through that coulee. My eyes drawn to edge of the road where to gravel lay, the grass peaking through the snow, the fence, the fence that a year and a half ago my car took out as it barreled down the embankment. Right now the only remnants that you can see from that day are the broken fence posts laying among the new. I do not expect to see anything different once spring arrives.

Any time I have driven through that coulee since it has taken my breath away, my hands grip tighter to the steering wheel and fear takes over me. I center my jeep in the middle of the small back road and try not to look anywhere but forward but my peripherals have always caught sight of the water below, of the steep embankment and the memories come flooding back. The stomach churning ride down the hill, the sounds of the crunching metal around me, the breaking fence posts, the shattering of glass, the pop and pisssh of the airbags and then the erie silence. Its all there categorized by time, by emotion and by place in my memory. There is no getting rid of it, there is no forgetting.

Today though, it was slightly different. I have not been down that road in many months, close to a year I would say. A lot has changed since then.

I am not saying that that whole morning didn’t go through my mind, it did, just in a much more brief sight. While I drove down that road I thought about him.

I thought about how we took that road every morning to work for many months, how the first time driving past it together he kept me calm and talked me through it, I thought about how he was suppose to be there with me that day, and by the grace of the universe he wasn’t and he got another year and half on earth.

We would laugh as we drove down that road, wether we be in my car, because he felt as if he would be dragging on the ground any minute, or in my jeep because we joked we felt we were prepping ourselves for work before we got there.

He was all I could think of. All of our memories were in my brain. I listened to Jason Aldean the whole drive, not that I have listened to much else since he passed. Jason Aldean’s Cd came out the day he died, he would have loved this CD, had we had the chance there would have been many days spent driving back roads listening to it.

Void, I wish I knew how to let go, how to move on. I don’t. He was my best friend and I never got the chance to say good bye. Even with an argument seperating us I still loved him with all of my heart, in a small town people will talk and they can say what they like but I know whats true and I know he did too, even if he didn’t admit it.

I know its not a dream, not a nightmare, nothing of that sort, but I really wish it was. I want someone to pinch me, and turn over look at my phone and see his ‘Mornin darlin’ message.

I would give anything to have one more day, to say everything that has ever been in my mind, even though I have said it a million times.

I just want to know, when will this pain subside? When will I at least be able to handle it? to be able the face the thought of moving on? Will the guilt go away?

Most of all when will I be able to face the world without him? At least before even through the arguments I knew he was there. I knew I could still call him up and talk to him, not anymore.

Why is there so many questions and no answers. I feel lost and very alone. Everyone else seems to be handling it better than I am, even though I am sure that is just an exterior impression.

Death is the only thing that is know for sure in life. From the moment you are born you are one day closer to dying. Morbid way to look at yes, but it is true. You live your life everyday to the extent of its worth or so you believe, but you never know when your expiry date is.

Death at an elderly age is expected, even accepted, but for a young person to die it is a tragedy especially when they are just beginning to live. That is when you are left with the most questions.

 

“See You When I See You”

– Jason Aldean

Lets don’t say goodbye
I hate the way it sounds
So if you don’t mind
Lets just say for now

See you when I see you
Another place another time
If I ever get down your way
Or your ever up around mine
We’ll laugh about the old days
And catch up on the new
Yeah I’ll see you when I see you
And I hope it’s some day soon

God made this old world round
And maybe it’s that way
So the paths that we go down
Yeah will cross again someday
And someday I’ll

See you when I see you
Another place another time
If I ever get down your way
Or you ever up around mine
We’ll laugh about the old days
And catch up on the new
Yeah I’ll see you when I see you
And I hope it’s some day real soon
I hope it’s some day soon

See you when I see you
Another place another time
If I ever get down your way
Or you ever up around mine just stop by
We’ll laugh about the old days
And catch up the new
Yeah I’ll see you when I see you
Till then my prayers are with you
And I hope it’s some day soon

I’ll see you when I see you

 

*update 02/23/2013