I am afraid to let go in fear of losing every memory of you that I have.
Void;
What the hell is wrong with me!? I don’t understand!
I don’t know why his death is still bothering me. I said before that I was ready and and that I was okay, I wasn’t necessarily okay with the fact that Scoobs had died, being my best friend and all, but I was ready to enter into the world again to start taking it on full force again.
Yeah, right, where did that idea come from?
Just because I can edit a few pictures without bursting into tears, without even thinking really, because when I edit them I shut every thought of him out of my mind so I don’t have to deal with the fact that he is dead, I think I am okay?
Just because I can go through a mindless, day to day robot routine that I have tailored so I do not have to think at all, I think I am okay?
Get up, take meds, let dogs out, make coffee, get mad at dogs for barking, let dogs in, go on the computer, make more coffee, drink coffee till it makes me sick, turn on Dishwasher, feed and water dogs, make dinner watch movie go to bed and start all over with a shower every second day.
Every Monday is house cleaning.
Every second Wednesday is total disinfectant day, bleach the floors the bathroom etc.
The 15Th of the month, I cry and I cry some more until I can’t cry any more It doesn’t matter if I am not paying attention to the calendar days of the month or not, I wake up on that day and I feel strange and I can not help it. It makes me cry, and then I realise, so I write him a message to let him know I am thinking about him.
I am not even remotely paying attention to the ridiculous amount of anti-depressants that the doctor has put me on just to try and keep my mood stable after I went into his office one day and I confessed to him, I was not safe to myself.
Having Fibromyalgia I also deal with depression from it, it is a constant battle, winters are always the time when it increases but this year due to Scooby’s death and everything that I have felt towards it, it has been so much worse. It got to the point that I didn’t even think that I could fight it any more, I have already been fighting that battle for well over ten years.
So here is that question again Void, how in the world did I think I was okay?
This question came to me last night and again today.
I met with a friend who I have not seen in a while and he asked me;
‘What is it that is keeping you so attached? Why can’t you let go? Tell me about it.’
I know he did not mean any harm by it as he is a gentle soul and only wants the best for those he cares about, but as soon as the first words came out of my mouth about our relationship and his death, I burst into tears and an uncontrollable sob. The pain came back, the anger flashed through my heart again.
I stood in the middle of the fas-gas parking lot, more or less balling, surrounded by strangers, I couldn’t stop, yet I thought I was okay.
All I have to do is say one word and I am in tears. I don’t understand how this healing process thing works. If your feeling better, acting better shouldn’t you be better?
Why must it come in waves? I am tried of hurting, I am tired of missing him, I am tired of all of it I just want it to all go away, but I don’t want to forget him and that is one of the biggest reasons I can’t let go.
I am terrified once the hurt is gone I wont remember him any more That I wont remember that shit eating grin, the way he would howl when by some unforeseen grace of god I showed the girlie side of me, his smart ass remarks, the look of wonder in his eyes the day we went to the mountains for his first time. I am terrified of loosing those things.
I have been told that everyone grieves differently and some take longer than others. I can understand that.
The day I found out about Scooby’s death I was in the middle of a different province for work, I was piloting (driving a truck with a flashy sign in front of a Big Rig with a Heavy/Wide load) and we were headed back to Alberta to drop off the buggy then home, which at the time for me was a musky hotel room. I cried for seven hours straight. I went blank for most of the drive so that I could focus on getting back to Alberta.
That night when I got to the hotel, I broke down again, I could not stand and I just rocked my self with my face against my knees, as the emotion flooded through me. I was asked ‘why are you crying so much? why does it hurt so much? it is not like you lost a family member’
I asked them if they ever imagined losing one of their friends, they said yes but did not think it would be that bad, I then responded “neither did I, but it does. Other than a parent this hurts more than loosing a family member”
A friend, you choose to share your life with, your greatest and darkest secrets. Even if you don’t talk to them for a while when you get back together you pick back up right where you left off. That doesn’t happen with family.
Thank you for listening Void, even if you have nothing to say.
B
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