Life and Lyrics

Void;

Have you ever noticed that music becomes apart of your life so much so that every song you listen to has a memory attached to it? I know I do. It doesn’t matter if it is good or bad there is always at least one memory per song, and when I listen I go into a daze of this memory and it takes me back to a certain time in my life.

Well this town is much the same. It is the town I grew up in. Every corner I turn there is a shadow reminding me of a forgotten past, every street a reminiscent memory, with each step I am reminded of a time that I wish I could hold in my grasp once again. A time so sweet and fragrant with laughter and joy.

Just like everyone else, when I was young I wished to grow up but now that I have aged I would give anything to go just even for a few hours.  To have that joy beating through my veins, to feel the excitement in my chest that I could do anything. To feel the wonder of the possibility that my dream was only a stone throw away.

Now it is the worries, the dread of true adulthood. Everyone around me moving on, the group of friends that once existed is no longer, we linger at events but everyone is creating families and doing what they are suppose to do you see, all but I. I will be the last.

Sometimes I wonder if the comrades I had such a close kinship with for so many years ever think of me, the way I think of them?

I wonder if I fell off the face of the earth if they would even notice. My guess is probably not as I ave already found out that I can leave for work for 6 months and they do not even know until I am back. With that said, it is a two sided street.

Void, I wish to find that happiness again. I hope that one day I will.

For now I am “growing up” and “moving on” but boy does change suck!

B

I Lied..

I am afraid to let go in fear of losing every memory of you that I have.

Void;

What the hell is wrong with me!? I don’t understand!

I don’t know why his death is still bothering me. I said before that I was ready and and that I was okay, I wasn’t necessarily okay with the fact that Scoobs had died, being my best friend and all, but I was ready to enter into the world again to start taking it on full force again.

Yeah, right, where did that idea come from?

Just because I can edit a few pictures without bursting into tears, without even thinking really, because when I edit them I shut every thought of him out of my mind so I don’t have to deal with the fact that he is dead, I think I am okay?

Just because I can go through a mindless, day to day robot routine that I have tailored so I do not have to think at all, I think I am okay?

Get up, take meds, let dogs out, make coffee, get mad at dogs for barking, let dogs in, go on the computer, make more coffee, drink coffee till it makes me sick, turn on Dishwasher, feed and water dogs, make dinner watch movie go to bed and start all over with a shower every second day.

Every Monday is house cleaning.

Every second Wednesday is total disinfectant day, bleach the floors the bathroom etc.

The 15Th of the month, I cry and I cry some more until I can’t cry any more  It doesn’t matter if I am not paying attention to the calendar days of the month or not, I wake up on that day and I feel strange and I can not help it. It makes me cry, and then I realise, so I write him a message to let him know I am thinking about him.

I am not even remotely  paying attention to the ridiculous amount of anti-depressants that the doctor has put me on just to try and keep my mood stable after I went into his office one day and I confessed to him, I was not safe to myself.

Having Fibromyalgia I also deal with depression from it, it is a constant battle, winters are always the time when it increases but this year due to Scooby’s death and everything that I have felt towards it, it has been so much worse. It got to the point that I didn’t even think that I could fight it any more,  I have already been fighting that battle for well over ten years.

So here is that question again Void, how in the world did I think I was okay?

This question came to me last night and again today.

I met with a friend who I have not seen in a while and he asked me;

‘What is it that is keeping you so attached? Why can’t you let go? Tell me about it.’

I know he did not mean any harm by it as he is a gentle soul and only wants the best for those he cares about, but as soon as the first words came out of my mouth about our relationship and his death, I burst into tears and an uncontrollable sob. The pain came back, the anger flashed through my heart again.

I stood in the middle of the fas-gas parking lot, more or less balling, surrounded by strangers, I couldn’t stop, yet I thought I was okay.

All I have to do is say one word and I am in tears. I don’t understand how this healing process thing works. If your feeling better, acting better shouldn’t you be better?

Why must it come in waves? I am tried of hurting, I am tired of missing him, I am tired of all of it I just want it to all go away, but I don’t want to forget him and that is one of the biggest reasons I can’t let go.

I am terrified once the hurt is gone I wont remember him any more  That I wont remember that shit eating grin, the way he would howl when by some unforeseen grace of god I showed the girlie side of me, his smart ass remarks, the look of wonder in his eyes the day we went to the mountains for his first time. I am terrified of loosing those things.

I have been told that everyone grieves differently and some take longer than others. I can understand that.

The day I found out about Scooby’s death I was in the middle of a different province for work, I was piloting (driving a truck with a flashy sign in front of a Big Rig with a Heavy/Wide load) and we were headed back to Alberta to drop off the buggy then home, which at the time for me was a musky hotel room. I cried for seven hours straight. I went blank for most of the drive so that I could focus on getting back to Alberta.

That night when I got to the hotel, I broke down again, I could not stand and I just rocked my self with my face against my knees, as the emotion flooded through me.  I was asked ‘why are you crying so much? why does it hurt so much? it is not like you lost a family member’

I asked them if they ever imagined losing one of their friends, they said yes but did not think it would be that bad, I then responded “neither did I, but it does. Other than a parent this hurts more than loosing a family member”

A friend, you choose to share your life with, your greatest and darkest secrets. Even if you don’t talk to them for a while when you get back together you pick back up right where you left off. That doesn’t happen with family.

Thank you for listening Void,  even if you have nothing to say.

B

Collaboration

 

Collaboration

Eyes speak the words
The tongue cannot
The heart knows the words
The ears forgot
A Thousand pictures
one word
A thousand words
One thought 

A thousand thoughts
One idea
Thousands of ideas
One voice
And overall one true meaning
One mouth speaks
Another is quiet,
Listening.
Ones eyes weep
Another hurts for them
Knowing not what to do but to hold them
One is a steadying shoulder
During which another cannot stand
Until the roles are reversed
We are dependent
Stand here by me
And I by you
As the world stands by the sky,
The moon by the sun,
The universe by all of us.
I am your strength
As you are mine
The human condition depends on others
To survive. 

Copyright 2010

Why Must we depend so much on others to survive?  why is the human race so connected?  And when we are so connected why do we fall apart so easily?

Friendships come and they go even when you still feel that you need them or can’t live with out them. When this happens you learn, to make a living on your own, to see the world differently or maybe you dont and you go on pretending that person will always be there. Whatever the case you do go on. 

No one tells you how to deal with life, there is no instruction manual like our mothers and fathers tell us, all it is is life experience. With out life happening we would not have this so-called instruction book. So take the moments you are handed and hold them gently, or tear them apart and put them back piece by tiny piece what ever it is that you need to do to figure out the situation you are in. 

We all have our ways and our ways let us at least try to figure things out. Even if this takes years. 

No matter the situation stay strong and you will pull through, there is always someone or something waiting around the corner to give you a hand to pull through.

xx

B