When Will It Be Okay?

See you in heaven… (Photo credit: 8+1)

 

Dear Void:

I drove past that spot today. I traveled down that road. I couldn’t help but slow down when I went through that coulee. My eyes drawn to edge of the road where to gravel lay, the grass peaking through the snow, the fence, the fence that a year and a half ago my car took out as it barreled down the embankment. Right now the only remnants that you can see from that day are the broken fence posts laying among the new. I do not expect to see anything different once spring arrives.

Any time I have driven through that coulee since it has taken my breath away, my hands grip tighter to the steering wheel and fear takes over me. I center my jeep in the middle of the small back road and try not to look anywhere but forward but my peripherals have always caught sight of the water below, of the steep embankment and the memories come flooding back. The stomach churning ride down the hill, the sounds of the crunching metal around me, the breaking fence posts, the shattering of glass, the pop and pisssh of the airbags and then the erie silence. Its all there categorized by time, by emotion and by place in my memory. There is no getting rid of it, there is no forgetting.

Today though, it was slightly different. I have not been down that road in many months, close to a year I would say. A lot has changed since then.

I am not saying that that whole morning didn’t go through my mind, it did, just in a much more brief sight. While I drove down that road I thought about him.

I thought about how we took that road every morning to work for many months, how the first time driving past it together he kept me calm and talked me through it, I thought about how he was suppose to be there with me that day, and by the grace of the universe he wasn’t and he got another year and half on earth.

We would laugh as we drove down that road, wether we be in my car, because he felt as if he would be dragging on the ground any minute, or in my jeep because we joked we felt we were prepping ourselves for work before we got there.

He was all I could think of. All of our memories were in my brain. I listened to Jason Aldean the whole drive, not that I have listened to much else since he passed. Jason Aldean’s Cd came out the day he died, he would have loved this CD, had we had the chance there would have been many days spent driving back roads listening to it.

Void, I wish I knew how to let go, how to move on. I don’t. He was my best friend and I never got the chance to say good bye. Even with an argument seperating us I still loved him with all of my heart, in a small town people will talk and they can say what they like but I know whats true and I know he did too, even if he didn’t admit it.

I know its not a dream, not a nightmare, nothing of that sort, but I really wish it was. I want someone to pinch me, and turn over look at my phone and see his ‘Mornin darlin’ message.

I would give anything to have one more day, to say everything that has ever been in my mind, even though I have said it a million times.

I just want to know, when will this pain subside? When will I at least be able to handle it? to be able the face the thought of moving on? Will the guilt go away?

Most of all when will I be able to face the world without him? At least before even through the arguments I knew he was there. I knew I could still call him up and talk to him, not anymore.

Why is there so many questions and no answers. I feel lost and very alone. Everyone else seems to be handling it better than I am, even though I am sure that is just an exterior impression.

Death is the only thing that is know for sure in life. From the moment you are born you are one day closer to dying. Morbid way to look at yes, but it is true. You live your life everyday to the extent of its worth or so you believe, but you never know when your expiry date is.

Death at an elderly age is expected, even accepted, but for a young person to die it is a tragedy especially when they are just beginning to live. That is when you are left with the most questions.

 

“See You When I See You”

– Jason Aldean

Lets don’t say goodbye
I hate the way it sounds
So if you don’t mind
Lets just say for now

See you when I see you
Another place another time
If I ever get down your way
Or your ever up around mine
We’ll laugh about the old days
And catch up on the new
Yeah I’ll see you when I see you
And I hope it’s some day soon

God made this old world round
And maybe it’s that way
So the paths that we go down
Yeah will cross again someday
And someday I’ll

See you when I see you
Another place another time
If I ever get down your way
Or you ever up around mine
We’ll laugh about the old days
And catch up on the new
Yeah I’ll see you when I see you
And I hope it’s some day real soon
I hope it’s some day soon

See you when I see you
Another place another time
If I ever get down your way
Or you ever up around mine just stop by
We’ll laugh about the old days
And catch up the new
Yeah I’ll see you when I see you
Till then my prayers are with you
And I hope it’s some day soon

I’ll see you when I see you

 

*update 02/23/2013