Alone – Friend’s Without Benefits

You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends

Void;

Starting as far back as I can remember my family has always been out casting me because I have always been different from them.  As a child I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and many other conditions, my family could not handle the fact that, as they put it, I was “not normal”. I can remember as a pre-teen my uncle sitting me on his lap and telling me,

“it’s okay that your not normal, it is okay that you will never be like anyone else or that you will never be able to do the things that a normal person can”

That was only the beginning of my out casting. That was also the fuel to my personal fire.

Shortly after that sit on my uncles lap he refused to have any contact with me, and Void, let me tell you, growing up with out a father this man was the one that I looked up to many times as a father figure. When he up and left it was like loosing my father all over again.

When I was old enough to realize what my family was doing that is when I truly turned to friendship, before that my life was family based, I wanted to be with family every moment that I could, I wanted to be best friends with my cousins. I wanted to be loved by my family members as much as I loved them. I loved them more than life itself growing up. When the day comes that I have kids of my own I still wish to create a family orientated atmosphere.

At the age of about 15 is when I started pushing back on my family. I gave them the same treatment they gave me, if your not going to call, then neither shall ,I type of thing and this is when I chose friends over family other than my mother who was my best friend and companion growing up, and my brother.

In my teen years I made a group of close friends who to this day  I would take a bullet for them, if I had the power of God and the universe on my side I would take all suffering and pain away from them and put it upon my self. Many of them don’t seem to realize this though.  I made these people my family, and I love them with all my heart. Void, all I want for them is their happiness.

I am in the middle of a hard lesson right now Void, I am not even fully sure how to phrase it really, but essentially it is to never expect anything in return.  You would think that I would have learned that with my physical family but apparently I didn’t.

I didn’t expect life to go on without changes, I knew it would, what I truly didn’t expect is that when a friend is in trouble and needs help that your best friends/family would turn their back on you.

My birthday came and went this past weekend. I have never been fond of my birthday as it seems that with every year that passes it gets drilled into my head a little bit more about how much I have been abandoned , so it feels, by my families.

Other than those invited for dinner and one person I reminded about my birthday I did not receive a single ‘happy birthday’ from my friends or my family. My grandparents called two days after my birthday only due to reminder phone call from my mother.  I even made phone calls to ask friends to join me in a casual evening get together to celebrate only to be ignored (the joy of facebook, I find it to be an awful evil).

I have to ask Void, what did I do? What have I done so wrong to these people that they can’t even acknowledge me? It hurts, it makes me angry! but most of all in a sense I feel betrayed. I understand that life gets in the way and people do forget, I understand that, I would have understood a few happy belated birthday’s but none came and we are talking almost a week later now.

I just found out that I am a brittle bipolar, does this have something to do with it? Did I have some episode that I don’t remember and piss everyone off? If I did I wish someone would tell me because I have no idea why no one even on a normal day, no one will notice me. Is it because in my brain is going crazy? I have no control, I’m sorry! My mind is taking over my body without my knowledge, I have no control over my life right now.

Do my friends, do my family just want nothing to do with a crazy person? That is the way it feels. I feel crazy in my own mind and, I admit it, right now I need help more than ever but there is no one there even when I tell them.

I am not completely alone, I should be paying attention to this, but when you turn to one person and they turn their back on you, you feel as if the whole world is leaving you in the dark.

I wish I could understand..

I wish someone would explain it to me..

I wish this was something you could get use to, I guess it is not.

Void, I am sorry, since no one else will listen.

Until I can explain more.

B

xoxo

The Bottle

Void,

I’m lost. I don’t know what to say or what to do.

I have been trying to write to you for ages now but the problem you see is that every time I sit down to the computer to write my fingers go blank. Yes, my fingers. My mind can be racing a million miles a minute about what is going on in life right now but my fingers refuse to write.

My mind is telling to me to write, to make it good, to be truthful, to tell my story, but as soon as I put my fingers to a keyboard I cant even press a key. It is like when you want to say something and you open your mouth and nothing comes out!

I am shoving my feelings, my thoughts into a bottle and sealing it shut.

I use to be able to write without a problem, words would flow beautifully from my mind to my fingertips, It was much like music, the harmony was beautiful.

Void, if I do it without thinking maybe, just maybe something will come out, it might be brutal, it might be stunning or it just might be bland. I guess I will have to try it and find out.

I hope that I can do and release some of the pent up emotion within this bottle in my chest as it feels as if it will crack soon.

Till my next entry.

B

xxo

I Lied..

I am afraid to let go in fear of losing every memory of you that I have.

Void;

What the hell is wrong with me!? I don’t understand!

I don’t know why his death is still bothering me. I said before that I was ready and and that I was okay, I wasn’t necessarily okay with the fact that Scoobs had died, being my best friend and all, but I was ready to enter into the world again to start taking it on full force again.

Yeah, right, where did that idea come from?

Just because I can edit a few pictures without bursting into tears, without even thinking really, because when I edit them I shut every thought of him out of my mind so I don’t have to deal with the fact that he is dead, I think I am okay?

Just because I can go through a mindless, day to day robot routine that I have tailored so I do not have to think at all, I think I am okay?

Get up, take meds, let dogs out, make coffee, get mad at dogs for barking, let dogs in, go on the computer, make more coffee, drink coffee till it makes me sick, turn on Dishwasher, feed and water dogs, make dinner watch movie go to bed and start all over with a shower every second day.

Every Monday is house cleaning.

Every second Wednesday is total disinfectant day, bleach the floors the bathroom etc.

The 15Th of the month, I cry and I cry some more until I can’t cry any more  It doesn’t matter if I am not paying attention to the calendar days of the month or not, I wake up on that day and I feel strange and I can not help it. It makes me cry, and then I realise, so I write him a message to let him know I am thinking about him.

I am not even remotely  paying attention to the ridiculous amount of anti-depressants that the doctor has put me on just to try and keep my mood stable after I went into his office one day and I confessed to him, I was not safe to myself.

Having Fibromyalgia I also deal with depression from it, it is a constant battle, winters are always the time when it increases but this year due to Scooby’s death and everything that I have felt towards it, it has been so much worse. It got to the point that I didn’t even think that I could fight it any more,  I have already been fighting that battle for well over ten years.

So here is that question again Void, how in the world did I think I was okay?

This question came to me last night and again today.

I met with a friend who I have not seen in a while and he asked me;

‘What is it that is keeping you so attached? Why can’t you let go? Tell me about it.’

I know he did not mean any harm by it as he is a gentle soul and only wants the best for those he cares about, but as soon as the first words came out of my mouth about our relationship and his death, I burst into tears and an uncontrollable sob. The pain came back, the anger flashed through my heart again.

I stood in the middle of the fas-gas parking lot, more or less balling, surrounded by strangers, I couldn’t stop, yet I thought I was okay.

All I have to do is say one word and I am in tears. I don’t understand how this healing process thing works. If your feeling better, acting better shouldn’t you be better?

Why must it come in waves? I am tried of hurting, I am tired of missing him, I am tired of all of it I just want it to all go away, but I don’t want to forget him and that is one of the biggest reasons I can’t let go.

I am terrified once the hurt is gone I wont remember him any more  That I wont remember that shit eating grin, the way he would howl when by some unforeseen grace of god I showed the girlie side of me, his smart ass remarks, the look of wonder in his eyes the day we went to the mountains for his first time. I am terrified of loosing those things.

I have been told that everyone grieves differently and some take longer than others. I can understand that.

The day I found out about Scooby’s death I was in the middle of a different province for work, I was piloting (driving a truck with a flashy sign in front of a Big Rig with a Heavy/Wide load) and we were headed back to Alberta to drop off the buggy then home, which at the time for me was a musky hotel room. I cried for seven hours straight. I went blank for most of the drive so that I could focus on getting back to Alberta.

That night when I got to the hotel, I broke down again, I could not stand and I just rocked my self with my face against my knees, as the emotion flooded through me.  I was asked ‘why are you crying so much? why does it hurt so much? it is not like you lost a family member’

I asked them if they ever imagined losing one of their friends, they said yes but did not think it would be that bad, I then responded “neither did I, but it does. Other than a parent this hurts more than loosing a family member”

A friend, you choose to share your life with, your greatest and darkest secrets. Even if you don’t talk to them for a while when you get back together you pick back up right where you left off. That doesn’t happen with family.

Thank you for listening Void,  even if you have nothing to say.

B

The hatred of number 3

3 ferrets

3 dogs

3 cats

3 accidents in 4 months at the age of 21  each within 3 to 6 days after a certain day.

Accident 1 -3 days after I started work.

Accident 2 – one that finally doesn’t count “phew” but for articles sake 16 days after my birthday

Accident 3 – 6 days after returning from my leave from accident 2

3 times 4 is 12

21 is a multiple of three.

bad luck comes in threes, but so does good?

what the hell is with the number 3?

books are usually divided into 3 parts

cats have 9 lives a multiple of 3 ( I have decided I am much like a cat I have nine lives but I think I’m on my 6th life now ( another multiple of 3!)

phone contracts are usually 3 years

a year has 12 months

12 divided by 4 is 3.

I work 3 weeks out of a month that is 21 one days ( generally that works for most industries)

So to say I am not a fan of number 3.

**Edited Nov 9 2012

Ferrets in the Bathtub, Big Trucks and other things

 

Ok kids,

so I haven’t posted in  a while not for lack of things to say but more or less, did that seriously just happen?

You see if I was to write it down then that makes it real. I haven’t wanted to make any of it real yet. Why would I?

Living in a world where you can ignore, well try to pretend that nothing happened at least is the easy way out, for a while yet, who wants to acknowledge reality when you can just keep pressing on (no pun intended) even tho it did happen. It happened so what? you deal you move on.

I have ferrets. I figured that my first post about them would be something charming and witty titled ferrets in the bathtub or something like that, I always figured that it would make an awesome title for a book. I thought that the post would be about their charming yet terribly annoying antics. Like how when you get into the shower or the bath and your minding your own business then all of a sudden SPLOOSH you have this wet slimy creature staring at you as its swimming around in your bath water. It enjoys it for a couple minutes and then the panic sets in and its like oh my god! get me the heck out of here!! as it tries unsuccessfully to scale the bathtub wall scratching you all the while trying to find some type of leverage.

Or how on a laundry day, you have all your laundry piled up so you can sort it and that is when it happens. You see one ferret dissapear with your blue bra underneath the couch! He went into the middle of the pile to find this one bra..don’t ask me what it is with colors I have yet to figure this out. Its the same with black socks. Then another one has flipped the laundry basket over and is underneath and running down the hall with it, running into the walls on her way. I have no idea where she is taking it but she is on a mission. The other one doesn’t care about the laundry, she’s inside a liter milk jug in the recycling.

This post on the other hand is about a terrible accident and all life going ons since I suppose.

The ferrets were out one evening for their nightly run which involves a couple hours of chasing them around the house. My mom was loading up the dishwasher and Addie and Pixel were in their helping as usual, she pulled them out to close the dishwasher and if you have ever owned a ferret you know they are ADD two year olds that never grow up. Well, somehow in the ten seconds between putting them on the floor AWAY from the dishwasher and closing the door, Ms. Pixel managed to squeeze herself in there. We have no idea how. The dishwasher did get turned on.

We heard this ferret scream and I tell you it is not something that you ever want to hear, it is more like something out of a horror film. When we found her poor Pixel had gone into cardiac arrest from shock. After CPR, cold water and some rescue remedy she came back around it was a terrifying night.

I took a first aid course last year. I have never had to preform cpr yet, go figure the first time I have to do it is on my ferret!! ha ha.

She is a lucky little girl.

She ended up keeping me up all night because due to the shock she could not walk properly and she would not let me put her down and ferrets are not known for sitting still, esspecially females.

Now a couple weeks later she has learned her lesson she is, almost staying out of trouble and deffinitly more attentive to me.

You may all think I am a horrible person but I have heard many stories of ferrets getting into the wong places at the wrong times. I am not the first to have this happen and I wont be the last either.

On all other hands:

I got called back to work or TRIED anyway’s. It was a bit unexpected as I had talked to my boss a couple days before and was told I wouldn’t be going back till the end of April, which ok that was fine as my Jeep had just gotten fixed, silly new fangled technology. So i had a chance to actually enjoy the time I was off…. WELLLLLL

I get back to work what happens..

My leg starts swelling and killing me! of course it has to be my right leg, the one I drive with, go figure.

So I take a day to go get it checked out because it was twice the size of what it should of been, they do blood work and xrays and what not.

They find something on the xray

I have a bone scan on tuesday

They believe I have a stress fracture on a bone cyst (a type of tumour) or both. Meaning that the tumour has weakened the bone so much that it has fractured. Just my luck.. actually I don’t call it luck any more I just call it life.

I took a couple days off for that and for another appointment I had I went back for one day to work and all I got the day I was there was crap about being gone… like come one!

I am hoping to get the results on tuesday but I have decided if I have to get a cast I am going as tacky as I possibly can. I am thinking BRIGHT PINK!!!

What do you think?

Not the Pig!

Elbows off the table Mabel

This is not a horses stable but a fine dining table!

Were you raised in a horses stable?

Why yes I was and I’ll keep my elbows on the table anyhow!

And so the war began.

Dinner time, was not just dinner time but a war of the weak!

You see to train me to keep my elbows off the table my mom had the lyrics above as well as a ceramic pig, much like the one below, that if you got caught with your elbows on the table you had the song sung to you and the pig passed to you

.

It just sat there at the edge of your plate staring at you with its, beady little black eyes, daring you to put your elbows on the table not that it mattered much if you did because you already had the pig so you had already done wrong, but it drove you nuts esspecially as a small child sitting there trying to eat your dinner with this joyful little black and white pig, sitting in his barrel, with his piggish grin and his beady eyes looking at you saying “HA HA I GOT YOU!”

It made you grimace a little bit on the inside since as a only child, with a parent with impeccable table manners, you were screwed once you got caught.

Though, when company came over, that is when the fun began!

They most of the time had no idea had no idea what was going on so they would put their little elbows on the table and you would burst out in joyful chant about Mable and the horses stable and sit that evil little pig in front of their plate.

Boy were they furious when they figured out what was going on, you of course  were ever so careful not to let any of your arm, even the acceptable forearm touch the table so that you couldn’t be caught. You knew how this game worked and you would not be the one to slip up.

You spent more time watching the other people at the dinner table for elbows than you did eating your own food. By the time dinner was over Mom had usually yelled at us or me a few times saying to forget it because hours had passed and our food was cold and their was “no way she was heating it up”.

I feel sorry for her and what she went through, but I feel even more sorry for all my little unsuspecting friends who had come into contact with my so well devised (or so I thought) little dinner plan as I knew (or thought) I would never end up with that pig again (of course as humans do I slipped up).

My evil master plan on my friends failed more often than I like to admit, because it was more than once.

Silly Questions- Simple Answers

Image via CrunchBase

So I was looking on google, just randomly browsing and its amazing the question’s people ask!

1. Why am I always cold? A: PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!

Girls, really, put on a sweater! its not going to kill you if a guy can’t see your mid-driff for a while! (it’s called layers!!)

Guys! your underwear, as intriguing as it is to know which super hero your sporting today, covering your pantie line with a sweater line will just allow us to let our imagination to roam for a while!

2. Why am I always hungry?

A. Did you forget your birth control last month?

3. Why am I always tired?

A: Beer. Wicked, wicked evil. Damn those frat parties

4. Why am I still single?

A: Headgames for kids.

5. Why is the Sky blue?

A: Why is the grass green?

6. Why do cats purr?

A: Hell, if I Could be stroked, lay in the sunshine and sleep all day without a care in the world (expect for maybe catching mice) I would purr too, and so would you!

7. Why is my poop green?

A: uuuuuhhh I don’t want to know what you have been eating, or smoking!

8. Is Santa real?

A:Nope. But there is a Old man who has lived in the North pole for ages with a handful of little people , reindeer and his only job is to read and respond to the letters from the children of the world and one night a year he gives all the good kids presents under their trees by going through, imagined or real chimneys.

9. What time is it?

A: Half a hair past the second freckle on the right, quarter to the left.

10. Am I fat?

A: Nudists cover up google has grown eyes!

11. What if there was no google?

A: MY GOD! not the encyclopaedia’s! I’m missing Z!

Really people??